The Widow

"The clock ticks and wheezes, but without any meaning"

Chapter 1

I don't know who I am. I know my name, where I'm from, but who am I?

I am twenty-five, almost twenty-six, and… I feel bad, the question is: will I continue to live, will I be able to, and most importantly, do I want to?

The thing is, I've gone mad – I know it, I understand it!

I have a desire, a dream, a goal, it's immoral, this desire, but I'll either do it or die.

Let me start from the beginning.

We were always together. Wherever he went, I went. We never parted. To part with him meant for me… not to feel a part of myself?

He loved the mountains, and I loved him. We went to many places, we went everywhere we could climb up and climb down from.

What was he like? Interesting… He loved life, he loved women, good wine, and… God, he loved God more than anything else, that's why he was so drawn to Him!

They say that the higher the mountain, the closer to God, and he was looking for… the highest mountain.

He was… What was he like?! I want to say only good things about him… like a boy from a church choir. But he wasn't like that, he wasn't a good boy – he was a man who lived his own way.

Did he listen to anyone? Yes, his mind prevailed! Thank God, even if it ultimately killed him.

He was beautiful. Like an angel. Like Lucio Rimantz .

Now I understand that what he loved most was Death, not me, not his other loved ones – Death. What does it mean to love the mountains? It means to love death.